Dirty jokes

[xtian]

[REDACTED] x2

[JazzGuitarGimp]

There it is! (Parental Advisory Sticker...)

[LeeMo]

The bar is kind of slow because it's mid-day mid-week. In walks a gent with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender gets the mans drink and the monkey hops down on the bar. The man scolds the monkey and puts him back on his shoulder. The bartender says that since it's slow he can let the monkey explore. The man lets the monkey get on to the bar. The monkey is curious about everything. He spies the olives and pops one in his mouth. He makes a face but swallows it. He next tries a cocktail onion makes a face but swallows it. Next he tries a cherry. He makes a monkey smile and swallows it. Then he spies the pool table. He jumps over on to the pool table , grabs the three ball and since it's red he thinks that it's a cherry . He pops it in his mouth and swallows it. The man scoops up the monkey apologizes to the bartender and leaves.
Two weeks later he returns with the monkey. the bartender tells him to let the monkey roam free again. The monkey goes to the condiments. He looks at the olives and onions and makes a face . Then he sees the cherries and smiles and grabs one and sticks it up his butt. Then he pulls it out and eats it. The man says " since that poolball he always measures his food first".

[Ken Moon]

I first heard this one in the early 90's, and since then I've heard several variations, but here's how I first heard it:

Hillary goes into the Oval Office and says to Bill "I need to take the car - give me the keys"

to which Bill replied "OK, but you need to give me a blow job first".

So she does, then pulls back and says "Damnit, Bill, your dick tastes like sh!t!"

and Bill says "Oh yeah, Al's got the car"

[JazzGuitarGimp]

Okay..... I'll contribute. But this is as dirty as I can comfortably get in mixed company....

Why do Mermaids wear seashells?















Because B shells are just a little too small and D shells are just a little too big!

[Bob S]

Also for the easily offended.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!

[eniam rognab]

I got food poisoning the other day, I don't know when I'm going to use it

[stelligan]

I'll get down in it. Still reeling from Reeltarded's Martha Stewart joke.

You know the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat dripping down your back when you are banging your sister in law.....

[JazzGuitarGimp]

Also for the easily offended.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!

But only if you're from the New England states! ba-doo-bam-bing!

[Bob S]

OK - how to get the best ride ever out of your partner.
Choose a room with ample floor space.
Get her naked & put a large leather belt around her mid-section.
Put a work glove on your dominant hand.
Get her down on all fours & mount her from the rear - get a good grip of her belt (rodeo style).
Lean forward & whisper in her ear "your sister's a better ride than you"
And hang on for all you're worth cowboy.

[Reeltarded]

Okay..... I'll contribute. But this is as dirty as I can comfortably get in mixed company....

Why do Mermaids wear seashells?

haha my mother is going to love this

[Reeltarded]

I'll get down in it. Still reeling from Reeltarded's Martha Stewart joke.

You know the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat dripping down your back when you are banging your sister in law.....

omg this place is back

[Bob S]

Two young bucks comparing notes on the gals they'd scored with the night before.
First one says " mine was tight - real tight.
Second one replies " mine was like a mouses ear"
" a hippopotamouse that is..."

[cbass]

Did you hear about the Mexican feller that was born with two peckers ?
He named the first one Jose . guess what he named the second one?
Hose B

[Bob S]

Which leads me to the saying "he's as happy as a dog with 2 cocks"
Also - why do dogs lick their balls?
Cos they can.